Dating as a Business

People talk about how a relationship takes work. A relationship takes time. A relationship has to grow and blossom into a partnership between two people. But what’s funny is that nobody ever discusses the essential requirements for this “job.” People are told by relationship therapists that they need to burn their lists and eliminate any preconceived ideas of what a perfect mate should be. Well, that’s complete rubbish! Here is a list of 7 tips to turn your failed dating life into a flourishing business.

If you want to lump the words “relationship” and “work” into a tired phrase, then why can’t individuals have a list of qualifications. Like any demanding job, once you know what is needed to perform the task, why should you not advise any potential new hire of their responsibilities? There shouldn’t be a training period for applicants who aren’t even able to perform simple job duties. And, if an employer doesn’t like the choices presented at the time of application, they do not have a problem denying an applicant the job.

Dating as a Business

In many heterosexual relationships, women think that it is their job, as a relationship employer, to train rookies to perform tasks they don’t have all the equipment to handle. Let’s talk brass tacks for a second. I have been in quite a few hand-holding relationships. The type of time-wasting, love-sick situations where you know, in your heart, that this person is a good person, but you also know that they will always just coast and have no room for advancement in the company of You. We’ve all had one of those relationships. Hell, maybe we’ve had 4 of them. You may be in one of them right now. Know this: they will never be more than they are if what they were was unqualified to begin with.

But to know whether or not you’re wasting everyone's time, you must first understand what you want!

We can’t blame the bad relationships that went nowhere on the applicant. You should be the one feeling guilty. Guilt for leading them on because, let’s face it, you’re the job they wanted. Feel guilty for not recognizing the signs earlier in the relationship to prevent potential disappointment upon termination.

And most importantly, guilt for, yet again, wasting your time while the possible Right One found another job with a more demanding boss. Who knows, that candidate may end up so broken that by the time they find their way back to you, they will be a shell of the person they once were. Now, YOU should feel guilty for throwing off the entire balance of the universe.

1. The Business Plan

Enough silliness; how should you start looking at yourself and your love like a business? Every business has a plan. A structure. A foundation. It offers something that is competitive with what is on the market. What is yours? How are you more valuable than your competition? Let’s face it: if you are a woman on the market for a heterosexual relationship, every other woman nearing her 30s without a husband will be your strongest competition. These women have been building the most robust portfolio, and they have more tricks of the trade than any Fortune 500 Company could ever wish to have. David Copperfield has fewer tricks up his sleeve than these ladies. What can you offer? Once established, you can better put together your employment application.

2. Job Qualifications

1. Are you adventurous? Has your passport been stamped more than the lower backs of every freshman female at Florida State University? You may want to seek an applicant who also enjoys your adventure thrill and has a pocketbook to afford such luxuries. Do you consider yourself a restaurateur? Is trying a new hip restaurant one of your favorite weekend pastimes? You may want someone who would love to spoil you with his culinary expertise in the kitchen and stays up to date with other hot spots you’ve never considered. Perhaps the best spots in town for an after-meal cocktail so your food can settle and digest before a night of copulation. Food and drink may be the foreplay you need. Sporty? You may want a guy who can beat your gym reps and is confident enough to let you sink the eight-ball occasionally. These are the things you have to consider. Not the Hollywood ideal of what is sexy. Consider your desires in life and what you’ve excelled at over the years. The qualities that make you a catch, and you know you have many. Focus on the parts of yourself that make you the happiest and how you can better your life with a partner, not arm candy.

3. Hours of Operation

Up next, what are your hours of operation? Are you like a convenience store operating 24 hours a day, 365 days a week? If so, you should seek a partner willing to put in a lot of hours. Good luck with that, by the way. If that is what you’re seeking, you don’t want to accept applicants with only part-time hours. This is the person who has a life outside of you. That will only bring you frustration and stress if you want more. It is self-imposed frustration and anxiety. If you have a life outside of a relationship, you may only be looking for an applicant available as an on-call partner. This type of relationship has the potential to grow and lacks the worry that time spent away may lead them to seek employment elsewhere. Keep an active life and employ as many people as possible to get your job done. Trust me, when your part-time partner is ready to go full-time, they will let you know. This is where what you offer as an employer comes in handy. We’ve all juggled two jobs at once, but the one that offered a steady paycheck, reasonable hours, a happy environment, and room for advancement always won over the other jobs. It doesn’t hurt that they like their boss and look forward to a bright future with the company. Don’t make yourself too available, especially if you aren’t. And don’t expect him to want to put in overtime if you’ve shafted him on hours in the past. This is about balance, subordination, and supply and demand. Establish yourself as boss, and they will respect that. Give them just as much as they give you, nothing less, and you will be surprised at the level of respect you garner. It’s not about being overzealous; it’s about keeping things balanced. Don’t give more than you’re getting; never expect less.

4. Budget Allowances

Another essential part of your job as an employer is ensuring you can afford to take on a new employee. This does not mean that you flash your Amex more than a smile. This means you are not dependent on a business partner to help maintain your success. Have your shit together, in other words. No person has any right to want someone else to take care of them. This is the 21st fucking century. Be self-sufficient in and of yourself, for crying out loud! Have the means needed to pay your employee how they deserve to be paid, and their services to you will pay off tenfold: financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Don’t start a business while on the brink of collapse. This is not just about money; it’s about your spiritual health. No matter how many people you employ, everyone will jump ship if there is no foundation. You’ll probably be the last one on board about to drown because you’re looking for an anchor. Do not, I repeat, allow yourself to try to build a business on a broken leg. It won’t work. Be 100% complete and seek an applicant who is steadfast and entirely ready for work to make your company stock soar! Until then, consider yourself an ambitious start-up and have fun with volunteers.

5. The Interview

The actual interview comes next: the first date. Like any company worth its bones, a list of questions goes along with the interview. What do you want to know about them? This could be questions about their religious and political views. Many people say these are things that should not be discussed right away. I say rubbish! Why waste your breath on socially and politically correct conversation only to find out months down the road that he is an alt-right, NRA, Neo-Nazi who thinks he has the right to decide what should and shouldn’t be a woman’s right to choose. Get that out of the way right away. Why would you want to beat around the bush if it’s an integral part of your business? This is assuming you are bold and confident enough that your pool of applicants is bubbling over. A successful businessperson has no time to waste, so treat your dating life similarly. Come prepared with a list of conversation pieces that simulate and make him think. Watch them squirm a bit. See how they can handle the pressure. A person’s temperament is always a bit tepid on the first date/interview because the pressure to perform in the bedroom is heightened. Don’t make it easy. Your sex is more than charity. Aren’t we all a bit too old to be interns? You should know that you can employ anyone as you see fit, not the other way around.

6. Background Checks

Every employer does a background check, and you shouldn’t be shy about performing one yourself. This is the age of over-information. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn have made dating so simple. It may seem a bit much, but what a person does not say speaks louder than what they do. Everyone has an ex who would be more than willing to assist you as you look to employ this person. I’m not saying to stalk social media sites and hound exes for dirt, but to pay attention to what you see. Did a man go on a woman-bashing tirade after his last relationship with a female ended? Did a woman become so depressed that she posted sad songs all over her account for months? These are reasonable indications of the type of mental state you’re about to deal with by employing them. Is there a dog that has split custody with an ex? Is one of their profile pictures a picture that somehow involves an ex? You need to investigate the loyalty potential of a possible applicant to know if they are ready to give you 100% of their time and energy without being caught up on something that could have been. At the same time, don’t be shy about communicating with an ex. You would be surprised how small this world is. Especially as we grow older. If you’re a social person, I can guarantee that you have met an ex of theirs, one of their friends, cousins, or colleagues. Have a few drinks at a bar with a stranger, and you will be surprised by what information you find about the person you’re considering dating/hiring. Don’t be a weirdo about your investigations, though. Employers must legally disclose that they will be performing a background check, and you shouldn’t let your interest in the final stage of employment to yourself. Request to follow their pages. Send a friend request. If they are unwilling to tell you much about their past relationships, then this is a sign that they were possibly terminated on unfavorable terms. They aren’t ready. Move on.

7. Check Those References

Lastly, references are vital. A person won’t give up those they are closest to without thinking you’re worth it. So you’ve been out on a couple of dates. Have you met their friends? Are they willing to introduce you to the buddy they have known since they were a bedwetter? References are huge! Are you a part-time job or the one they brag about to friends and family? During the application phase, two months tops, have they introduced you to their best friend? Have you been to their home? Sounds silly, but consider how often you’ve seen their toilet. How are you introduced to new people? If they know you by name, your future employee has spoken to them about you before. Look for clues that indicate vagueness in an effort to tell the friends not to reveal too much. Lord forbid the friends you meet mention the other “friend” they met the other night. If there is no introduction altogether, demote them to part-time, on-call, and move on.

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It’s important to know what you are worth. Anything we refer to as work should be treated the same way employment is treated. It’s not just about finding someone who will work for you; it’s about finding someone who works well with you. I believe one of the biggest mistakes people make these days is trying to squeeze something convenient into their lives. I’m beyond guilty of this practice. But as I got older and found the one, I realized that relationships are more than that. It is work. It is long hours. It is commitment. It’s about dedication. The amount of faith we put into a profession we love should be given to a human we love. As animals, we are naturally drawn to the next stimulating thing that comes our way. It’s about understanding that though something more stimulating has reared its head into your peripheral vision, your job security and love trump all other temptations. It’s about knowing that you own a piece of something successful and want to see it make it to the top. Don’t treat your love life any different than you would treat your career. It has taken years for many of us to make it on our skills, so never rest on your laurels. There is no glass ceiling in love.